The 'What To Do' Series
by Karla Phoenix
Summary: Completely bored? Read this! It should make you laugh! Find out what to say when Alan flies TB1, or when you crash TB2... rating for mild language in certain parts *cough*Alan flying TB1*cough* . Old Story - No Longer Updated
1. Chocolate cakes, TB 2, Alan an more

Hi all! I'm completely bored, so I've started the 'what to do' series.  
Hope you find it funny.   
  
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What to do when Grandma is after you with a carving knife for nicking her chocolate cake  
  
1. Scream, pretty easy.  
  
2. Run away, standing waiting to be chopped up isn't too clever.  
  
3. Don't think she can't hurt you, just ask Lucille how she died....  
  
4. Hide behind Scott, he's taller than her, so what if he gets chopped up?  
  
5. Leap inside the piano, Virgil wouldn't let her hurt the piano.  
  
6. Apologise, don't blame me if you don't get a chance to say anything.  
  
  
What NOT to do when Grandma is after you with a carving knife for nicking her chocolate cake.  
  
1. Try and make a compromise.  
  
2. Be sensible at all.  
  
3. Try to bribe her.  
  
4. Ask Jeff for help, he's scared of her, too.  
  
5. Hide behind Alan, he's about five inches shorter than you.  
  
  
What to do when you crash TB 2.  
  
1. Commit suicide, Virgil will do it for you when he finds out, anyway.  
  
2. Hide, someplace good, like in the top leaves of a hundred foot tree, not anywhere stupid, like in a bush, Virgil was champion hide-and-seeker once, you know.  
  
3. Blame it on whoever is with you in Thunderbird 2, like Alan, everyone knows he can't fly.  
  
4. Cry, people says it don't do no good, but if you look sweet, then he might only remove and arm.  
  
5. Pray, only God can help you now.  
  
  
What NOT to do when you crash TB 2.  
  
1. Pretend it never happened, Virg might noticed the missing wings and the crumpled nose (that's Thunderbird 2, not you)  
  
2. Plead, Virgil is deaf when he's angry.  
  
3. Whine, again, he can't hear you.  
  
4. Run, he'll find you, even if it kills him.  
  
  
What to do when TB 1's engines fail while you are flying.  
  
1. Die.  
  
  
What NOT to do when TB 1's engines fail while you are flying.  
  
1. Think you are going to live, no ejector seat, just Jeff's stupid advice to pull your nose up.  
  
  
What to do when Jeff, Grandma, Brains, Tin-Tin and Kyrano go out.  
  
1. Leave the island, the boys will manage to burn it down, or Alan will find a big plug, say 'ooooh, wonder what this does....' pulls it out, and the whole island sinks.  
  
  
What NOT to do when Jeff, Grandma, Brains, Tin-Tin and Kyrano go out.  
  
2. Stay at the island.  
  
  
What to say when Alan flies TB 1.  
  
1. 'Oh fuck.......'  
  
  
What NOT to say when Alan flies TB 1.  
  
1. Anything longer than 'Oh fuck.....' Alan will be distracted and your death will be earlier.  
  
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Thanks! r&r, and I'll write some more. 


	2. Piano's, TB 3, the hood, and more

A few more 'What to do's'! Thanx for reviewing! Keep doing it, this could end up very, very long!  
  
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What to do when Alan tries a 'heroic' attempt.  
  
1. Run, this can only mean trouble.  
  
2. Find a doctor, two minutes later, and Alan may be missing vital parts.  
  
3. Get ready with the alligator repellent, Alan attracts them..... especially the big kind.  
  
  
What NOT to do when Alan tries a 'heroic' attempt.  
  
1. Think 'oh, it's alright, Alan will save us....' nuff said.  
  
2. Go anywhere hot, Alan passes out under heat over two degrees.  
  
  
What to say when Scott tries to play the piano.  
  
1. ARRGH!!!!  
  
2. I think I explained it in no. 1.  
  
  
What NOT to say when Scott tries to play the piano.  
  
1. ARRGH! Oh no! This will make him stop and have to start again.  
  
  
What to do when you break Bramen.  
  
1. Runaway from Brains failing a spanner at you.  
  
2. Get the speech therapy school in, show them how, under stress, people with stutters can miraculously talk clearly.  
  
  
What to do when the hood has planted a bomb in the plane you are in.  
  
1. Wait for hours while the stupid air force gets someone to try and get it out, watch them fail nicely.  
  
  
What NOT to do when the hood has planted a bomb in the plane you are in  
  
1. Think you are going to live, John will take at least three hours to catch the hint that you are about to die, the first time you called, he was styling his hair.  
  
2. Worry, the bomb is nice and neatly labelled, so, any neat freaks out there will die happy.  
  
  
What to do when hood threatens to kill you.  
  
1. Burst out laughing and go inside a narrow doorway, he won't be able to get inside, his shoulder pads are too big.  
  
2. Pull his mask off, I mean, the hood with a mask on looks just like the hood with hair and smaller eyebrows.  
  
  
What NOT to do when the hood threatens to kill you.  
  
1. Just stand and laugh, he does have a gun, y'know....  
  
2. Challenge him to a staring contest - he does have those eyes......  
  
  
My thoughts on the hood, overall.  
  
1. Those eyes must be really useful for reading in the dark, just think about it, no switch, just to think your eyes on, and, voila! An instant nightlight.  
  
2. Again, his eyes are so cool, and he can hypnotise people with them, who wants the world when you can brainwash all the cute guys to love you?  
  
3. I think he's stupid to want the world, anyhow, he's got a huge palace, all the cute girls (or guys if he's gay, which he probably is)  
  
4. He really needs a designer, he's rich enough, he could hire a great fashion designer, but no, he has to spend it all on destroying and nicking of with International Rescue.  
  
5. A new mask that does more than just gives him hair and small eyebrows, wait, hang on, have you realised there's no black people in Thunderbirds???????????? Are they racist????????  
  
6. I'm pissed off now, they are racist! Or, perhaps pink plastic is cheaper than black plastic.... anyway, the hood could disguise himself as a black person.  
  
  
What to do when guys find a girl who is strangely their little sis.  
  
1. Groan, not again!  
  
2. Run, maybe that way we can stop base being overcrowded.  
  
  
What NOT to do when the guys find a girl who is strangely their little sis.  
  
1. Take her in, you'll give other little kids ideas.  
  
  
What to say when Alan takes TB 3 out by himself.  
  
1. 'Which funeral director shall we hire?'  
  
  
What NOT to say when Alan takes TB 3 out by himself.  
  
1. 'Wonder how long it will take him to reach the space station?' he's not gonna get there.  
  
  
Annnnndddddd........ by demand.........  
  
  
What to do when you're in charge of International Rescue when Jeff's away.  
  
  
1. Hide all alcohol, the guys tend to be over indulgent when they're on there own.  
  
2. Make Scott go to bed at night, wow, that guy has some desk hair.....  
  
3. Beg him to come home early, the island is sinking here......  
  
4. Make up a fake call so you can get rid of the boys, if you have to keep one there, choose Gordon, he doesn't moan as much as the other guy I can think of.....  
  
5. Teach Kyrano how to fly Thunderbird 1, show Tin-Tin how to fly Thunderbird 2, and laugh at Scott's and Virgil's faces as they see their precious craft being flown by two Malaysians, (note, I do not take responsibility for any loss of life to the knife held by Virgil and Scott.....)  
  
6. Here's the best one, knock yourself out for the whole time Jeff is away, drink loads of alcohol or summit....  
  
  
What NOT to do when you're in charge of International Rescue while Jeff is away.  
  
1. Be alive.  
  
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Hopw you find these funny.......... 


	3. Some short very funny stories and more w...

Thanks to everyone who wrote a review! They mean more to me than you would think!  
These are all for you!  
  
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What Alan would do if he was in TB 1 and it suddenly set on fire.  
  
1. He would say: 'Damn, I left the electric fire on'  
  
2. He would go and find some water.  
  
3. He would pour it on the electric heater.  
  
4. And electrocute himself.  
  
  
What Alan would NOT do if he was in TB 1 and it suddenly set on fire.  
  
1. Be sensible and get some foam to put it out.  
  
2. Radio base.  
  
3. Be calm and organised.  
  
4. Be sensible at all.  
  
  
What to do when Gordon is teasing you.  
  
1. Kick him in the ------.  
  
2. Politely ask Virgil if he can hear a buzzing noise.  
  
3. Simply yell at him.  
  
4. Smile sweetly before asking him which limb he would rather have removed.  
  
  
This is a good one, I've written it in third person, more like a little story.  
  
Gordon hid behind the door as he saw Scott sit down on the sofa, no-one else was about, Jeff was out with Grandma after she had demanded he got some new shirts, Tin-Tin had gone for a walk with Alan, Kyrano was meekly preparing dinner, Virgil was working out a way he could paint the whole of Thunderbird 1 green.  
  
It was perfect.  
  
No, the situation, not a green Thunderbird 1.  
  
He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket, there was a tally on it, he held a scroll in the other hand.  
  
Gordon slowly closed the door and went right up to Scott.  
  
"Hi Scott."  
  
"Go away Gordon." Scott scowled at him, Gordon let out a whoop and put another line on his paper.  
  
Scott looked very confused.  
  
"Congratulations! You have told me to go away a hundred times in the last four days!" Gordon told him enthusiastically.  
  
"Uh?"  
  
  
"You have set a record for being the grouchiest person!"   
  
"Uh?"  
  
"I now present you with this scroll for your effort!"  
  
"Uh?"  
  
Gordon dumped the scroll on Scott and ran, laughing hysterically.  
  
Scott sighed.  
  
"It's not often you get such a well prepared piece of sarcasm."  
  
THE END.  
  
  
Another little story.  
  
"Scott...."  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"Scott...."  
  
"I said shut up."  
  
"But Scott..."  
  
"Oh please shut up!"  
  
"Your hair is on fire Scott."  
  
"Oh shut..... what?!"  
  
"Your hair is on fire."  
  
"ARRGH!"  
  
THE END.  
  
  
Sorry, but here's another.  
  
"Gordon!!"   
  
"Yes."  
  
"Did you put a moustache on my painting?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Who did it then!?!?!"  
  
"I don't know, it does suit you though, goes with your hair."  
  
"It clashes! My hair is black! The moustache is blonde!"  
  
"So?"  
  
"Gordon, did you put it on there?"   
  
"No."  
  
"Alan did."  
  
"ALAN!!"  
  
"Yes Scott."  
  
"You put a moustache on my picture."  
  
"Did not, Virgil did."  
  
"Virgil?"  
  
"Yes, Virgil did it."  
  
"Virgil isn't that stupid."  
  
"You sure?"  
  
"VIRGIL! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!"  
  
THE END.  
  
  
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Thank you! See ya! 


	4. Signs, couple of translations, a note fo...

Thanx to everyone who reviewed! They mean so much to me!   
Wow, it's three months since I last updated, oops.   
And thanks for the ideas! I've used one of them for, a starter for my section for them, keep 'em coming, without you, I can't do them!  
I've added two new sections, one for reader's requests, and one for translations, hope you enjoy!  
  
Phoenix  
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What to do if someone gets in the way when you are flying Thunderbird 1  
  
1. Well, I wonder what THAT button does? *presses button* *loud explosion* *a second later, every other plane in a twenty-six mile radius is dead.  
  
2. Stick a large sign out of the window saying *MOVE YOU BASTARDS!* in big letters.  
  
3. Yell at them using the loudspeaker.  
  
  
What NOT to do if someone gets in the way when you are flying Thunderbird 1  
  
1. Yell at them without the loudspeaker, what's the point yelling yourself hoarse at nothing whatsoever? They can't hear you.  
  
2. Ask them politely with the loudspeaker to move, I mean, where's the fun in that? Yeah, you don't get arrested, but there's no fun.  
  
  
What to do if you hear that there is an axe murderer somewhere in town.  
  
1. Make sure you stick Alan outside where the axe murderer is most likely to go.  
  
2. Go and help the axe murderer, the planet is way too overpopulated, anyway.  
  
3. Sigh and go and kill him with the biggest gun you can find, you still get to kill someone, even if you don't get to commit major extermination.  
  
  
What NOT to do if you hear there is an axe murderer somewhere in town.  
  
1. Get in his way. Nuff said.  
  
2. Hide away WITH Alan, what's the point in that? I mean, there, in front of you, is the perfect chance to get rid of Alan without getting arrested!  
  
  
What to do if you find out that Tin-Tin is two-timing Alan.  
  
1. Think about it for a while, then tell Alan, I mean, you're annoying Tin-Tin, but you get to hurt Alan!  
  
2. Kill Alan, yeah, I know it has nothing to do with it, but killing Alan is always a good thing.  
  
  
What NOT to do if you find out Tin-Tin is two-timing Alan.  
  
1. Keep it to yourself, you are not hurting Alan, in the future, this may be a cause for mental breakdown.  
  
  
READER'S REQUESTS!!!!  
  
Submitted by: cyberwulf  
  
  
What to do if you crash the Rolls Royce.  
  
1. You may well be dead by now, so, I can't help.  
  
2. Watch out for Parker, he's an ex-con, buy some Parker repellant. (Sold only in the US)  
  
3. Cry.  
  
  
What NOT to do if you crash the Rolls Royce.  
  
1. Hide, as I said earlier, Parker is an ex-con, he can open safes, he can find someone hiding in bushes (if you hire a man in a big 'moneybag' suit, perhaps you have a chance.)  
  
  
  
TRANSLATIONS  
  
Note: I do not like Alan, I apologise for any annoyance, inconvenience, bother, fuss, distress or any other form of harassment provoked by this element, anyone who repudiates this statement may perish, or, I will, of course, be open for any annoyances, inconveniences, bothers, fusses, distresses or any other form of harassments from you.  
  
Another note: I will now translate for my last paragraph: If I ever met Alan, I would say 'I trust you would not take if offensively if I told you to sod off and die' anyone who disagrees can either sod off and die or report their inconvenience to me.  
  
A note for Charon: I would have no trouble driving a tank, I am well aware of how to drive one, since I studied them in great detail.  
  
Another note for Charon: I also enjoy taking the piss out of Alan  
  
Thank you.  
  
  
1.  
  
Alan: Dad! Can I fly Thunderbird 1?   
  
  
Translation:  
  
Alan: Dad! Can I commit suicide?  
  
  
2.  
  
Scott: Right, Virg and Gordo, go down and check out the situation, I will evaluate it from Mobile control.  
  
  
  
Translation:  
  
Scott: You go and get killed while I sit on my ass in Mobile control yelling at you.  
  
  
3.  
  
Virgil: I understand.  
  
  
Translation:  
  
Virgil: I have no idea what you are talking about.  
  
  
4.  
  
Gordon: It's okay, Alan can go with Virg.  
  
  
Translation:  
  
Gordon: Alan can go, but I will clobber him when he get's back.  
  
  
5.  
  
John: This is International Rescue, how may I help?  
  
  
Translation:  
  
John: This is International Rescue, fuck off and die, I am trying to sleep, do you realise I never get a moments peace?  
  
  
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Alright, now, whadda think? I know, I know, bad, but hey! Nobody reads anyway!  
  
Disclaimer: I did not intend to offend anyone whatsoever. (Yeah, right!)  
  
  
Phoenix  
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